Diary of a Portly Empress

Transforming a Negative Life Into a Positive One

I love my Dad. He’s having shoulder replacement surgery today and I am sitting here in the waiting room, looking around at all the people who are waiting for their loved ones to be done or waiting to be operated on themselves. My daughter and I slept over at my Dad’s studio apartment on a blow up mattress so we could get up at 4:45am to get him here by 6am. He went back a little after 9am and here we wait.

I couldn’t sleep the whole night, don’t know if I was uncomfortable or just anxious. We are lucky that this surgery should be pretty straightforward. My Dad has no other health problems except arthritis and bad joints from his years of service at the post office. He has been there for me my whole life. He has never been critical of my weight. When I would get upset about it, he would encourage me and tell me that he would help me with whatever I wanted to do. He used to take me to Gold’s Gym when I was a pre-teen and he would show me how to use the equipment. He would encourage me and tell me I was doing a good job. We would get protein shakes when we left and talk about how strong I could be and I would actually feel strong. It was nice. This was before he and my mom got into all the financial trouble and he had to work 2 jobs to keep us above water.

As I got older and their marriage crumbled around us and my mom started drinking all the time and talking horribly about him, he still was able to be there for me, a little less so because of his work schedule but he really tried his hardest. I’m lucky that I had such a father in my life regardless of what my mom thought of him.

I want to make him proud and I know he would say that he is but I don’t feel I’ve done anything for him to be proud of. I want him to know how much he means to me. I wish I could vocalize it more so that he would never forget even when I’m in my non-talkative states. I sit here and wait while they cut him open and I feel my heart in my throat wishing they would finish and tell me everything went fine.

I love my Dad and I hope he knows how much and how much of a hole he will leave when he’s gone… but he’s not leaving today. I will make sure he knows because he deserves it. ❤

Prayers to all the families I am amongst today and any potential struggles they may be going through.

Happy Monday to all.

~Jennifer

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The fact that I have not binged this week has been amazing. The start of the week was a good one and I was hopeful, things were looking up. That’s where the goodness stopped. I have been having a series of things breaking at my home lately and it’s making my sanity teeter. I thought I was at the end of issues but ohh no..

To summarize the effing craziness:

  • My dryer stopped drying. I had to get it serviced and lines cleaned out. I had 2 weeks worth of laundry to catch up on by the time it was completed.
  • My car started making the worst whining sound one day. After looking at it, my brother replaced my alternator. I had to drive his car around and it is a huge and I never feel safe in it because I don’t feel comfortable driving such a humongous car. Note: His car works perfectly fine, it is just me who doesn’t like to drive it but I am lucky enough to have him around to fix my car for me and have a car that I can actually drive and not mess up my whole schedule, so I won’t complain about this, ever.
  • My brother needed my help as he needed a new HVAC system sooner than he thought in his house, then mine started to malfunction. My HVAC is fixed temporarily but I couldn’t help my brother the way I wanted because I know I’m going to have to replace my system before long. This makes me feel like a horrible sister.
  • I needed to buy a lawn mower because the guy I had been paying to do it moved away and I’m never going to find someone to do my yard for that cheap. I bought a lawnmower which was awesome because I thought I should just do it myself and get some exercise. After mowing my front yard with it though, I could barely mow my front yard without my lungs hurting so bad I could barely stand up straight. The other stress, however, is the weed eater they sent with it is defective and I’m going to have to figure out how to return it whenever my schedule clears up.
  • My refrigerator was freezing everything and it was broken for a month. The repairman had to keep calling Samsung technical service to see what parts to get, apparently they don’t just work on appliances anymore. It took a month to get all the right parts. I thought it was finally over, I was going to be able to keep food at home again. Then water began leaking out the bottom at a continuous rate even after all the thawing happened, so much so that the water rushed out when you would open the door and soaked through two beach towels. I called the repairman and he said that it sounds like the filter casing is broken and he’d have to order that part. By this point I felt like pulling my hair out. I pulled the refrigerator out and turned off the water and in this process scratched my floor.
  • The next day, I saw that because the water from the refrigerator leak poured out so much, it got under my laminate flooring and has caused it to bubble. Now it will need to be replaced.
  • This same day, I was getting ready to go to bed and looked up at my kitchen ceiling and saw a faint water stain and the drywall starting to disfigure. There is some kind of leak in my ceiling (1st floor of a 2 story house). I wanted to give up on life by this point
  • My dad is having surgery tomorrow and I have my child and I still need to work, which luckily I can do remotely, however, there are a lot of moving parts and schedules and now I’ve added a plumber to Wednesday that I’ll need to be here for and I need to make sure my cats are taken care of.
  • My ex-husband is proposing to a woman I do not like, so there’s that. She’s so freaking fake I could gag. I hate that she’s around my child. I hope it all crashes and burns… then I feel bad for wishing ill will on him because on some level I still love him.

I am a single mother. I have very minimal help and support. I work full-time and have one income. All of these things have started piling up on me and I have had nothing on my mind but stress all week.

In spite of this, I did not binge once. I kept myself together and ate thoughtfully and really tried to focus on handling my feelings myself, without food. I don’t know how well I really handled my feelings internally but I did not do it with food which is positive because that would have been the first thing I did to try and make myself “feel better”. I weighed myself this morning and I am down 11.2lbs. I have not added any physical activity, only altered my eating habits.

For breakfast, I’ve been eating boiled eggs, fruit and a little cheese. I had some oatmeal and fruit a couple of days. I replaced cream in my coffee with almond milk.

For snacks, I’ve been doing either nuts, dried chickpeas, or apples with peanut butter. Sometimes I’ve done popcorn in the evenings.

For dinner, I’ve cooked at home. I had salmon, roasted potatoes, steamed veggies one night. Pot roast, boiled potatoes, and green beans another. I had takeout stir fry steak and shrimp with veggies and white rice one night and a steak salad with two bites of a brownie sundae the other.

The first week of change is always a larger weight loss, I know. This next week is going to be the hardest as I will be eating out more than usual. I’m going to try and keep my mindset straight and make sure I don’t stress eat. If I concentrate on this maybe it won’t be as stressful a week as I feel it is going to be.

If you have some positive thoughts free, please send them my way. I’m in desperate need of them. I hope you all have a better week than me. Here’s to not falling completely apart!

~Jennifer

 

Day 1

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I was very much in control of my appetite today which made me incredibly proud of myself. I am sitting here tonight feeling myself be proud of me. I don’t take a lot of pride in myself and I think the first step to this whole self-care thing is to feel your emotions about yourself, more so with the positive ones.

I went to the store today for the first time in a month. My refrigerator is finally working again after all the repair runaround. I didn’t buy any junk and am really looking forward to cooking in my kitchen again. I feel like things are possible today and I love that feeling.

I watched the Dr Ruth documentary on Hulu this evening and I really enjoyed it. Her story is so complicated and her life filled with tragedy but she didn’t let it consume her. She moved forward and never took anything for granted. She stood up for what she wanted and needed. What an inspiration that I truly needed to witness today.

I go to bed hopeful for the future for the first time in a very long time.

Goodnight to all and follow your dreams ❤

~Jennifer

Question – Where in the hell was this body positivity movement when I was in school? I’m serious. Where?! Being fat seems to be so much more acceptable now than it was 20 years ago when I was in midst of my awkward, developmental years. Unfortunately, this message of “be happy with the body you have” has not cancelled out the years of hating every inch of my fat body since I was 6 years old and made painfully aware that I was not like everyone else.

Cue the Introduction!

Hi there. I am Jennifer. OG Fat Girl. I started a blog to chronicle my journey to a better life that doesn’t only include losing some pounds but also losing a negative mindset that I have let fester inside of me for over a decade now. This is an adventure of my inner most thoughts that I never voice, the admissions I never admit, the issues that every fat girl can relate to in some way. I am super anxious typing this entry. I keep grabbing my phone to distract me and hide me but I am determined to be a better person and ultimately feel better, perhaps even learn to love myself? Whoa.. let’s not go that far. Baby steps..

The picture above is not an optical illusion, those are my feet, that is my scale. I have not faced the scale in several months and it is just as bad as I already knew that it was. 347.4lbs and I feel every pound of it on me. It weighs me down as I try to walk. It gets in my way when I sit down, bend over, put on socks, and it gets in the way of me living life. I am insecure about existing. I get anxiety attacks when I have to be unknown social situations. I isolate myself because I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to see the judgment. I don’t want people to take pictures of me (and they have). This is a reality I want to change. This state of being is crushing me physically and emotionally.

Now before you frame a picture of who I am, please realize that the above words are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I actually have a very active social life and do not live like a hermit. I go out a lot, I try new things, I socialize actively. I don’t stop living life but my default state of mind is anxiety and stress about being out in public. I try to be funny and personable to ease judgement. I eat a lot at home so when I’m in public I will eat less and not draw the looks of “You know this is why you’re fat”. I torment myself with fear that someone, somewhere is taking a picture of me to post on social media. I am so happy I did not grow up in the era of social media. At least when I got home, the bullying stopped.

So, in conclusion, I’m a little bit of a mess. I know how I got here, which I’ll talk about, I know what I need to do to, which I’ll rant about, and I know it can’t get much worse than it is now. I need to find that energy to fight for myself. I have to give myself a voice. I am here to do that, for myself. If you can relate, maybe you can follow me on this journey and cheer me on? Show me cat pictures? Tell me a good pun? All are encouraged.

Let’s get started..

~Jennifer