Diary of a Portly Empress

Transforming a Negative Life Into a Positive One

Question – Where in the hell was this body positivity movement when I was in school? I’m serious. Where?! Being fat seems to be so much more acceptable now than it was 20 years ago when I was in midst of my awkward, developmental years. Unfortunately, this message of “be happy with the body you have” has not cancelled out the years of hating every inch of my fat body since I was 6 years old and made painfully aware that I was not like everyone else.

Cue the Introduction!

Hi there. I am Jennifer. OG Fat Girl. I started a blog to chronicle my journey to a better life that doesn’t only include losing some pounds but also losing a negative mindset that I have let fester inside of me for over a decade now. This is an adventure of my inner most thoughts that I never voice, the admissions I never admit, the issues that every fat girl can relate to in some way. I am super anxious typing this entry. I keep grabbing my phone to distract me and hide me but I am determined to be a better person and ultimately feel better, perhaps even learn to love myself? Whoa.. let’s not go that far. Baby steps..

The picture above is not an optical illusion, those are my feet, that is my scale. I have not faced the scale in several months and it is just as bad as I already knew that it was. 347.4lbs and I feel every pound of it on me. It weighs me down as I try to walk. It gets in my way when I sit down, bend over, put on socks, and it gets in the way of me living life. I am insecure about existing. I get anxiety attacks when I have to be unknown social situations. I isolate myself because I don’t want to be noticed. I don’t want to see the judgment. I don’t want people to take pictures of me (and they have). This is a reality I want to change. This state of being is crushing me physically and emotionally.

Now before you frame a picture of who I am, please realize that the above words are my inner most thoughts and feelings. I actually have a very active social life and do not live like a hermit. I go out a lot, I try new things, I socialize actively. I don’t stop living life but my default state of mind is anxiety and stress about being out in public. I try to be funny and personable to ease judgement. I eat a lot at home so when I’m in public I will eat less and not draw the looks of “You know this is why you’re fat”. I torment myself with fear that someone, somewhere is taking a picture of me to post on social media. I am so happy I did not grow up in the era of social media. At least when I got home, the bullying stopped.

So, in conclusion, I’m a little bit of a mess. I know how I got here, which I’ll talk about, I know what I need to do to, which I’ll rant about, and I know it can’t get much worse than it is now. I need to find that energy to fight for myself. I have to give myself a voice. I am here to do that, for myself. If you can relate, maybe you can follow me on this journey and cheer me on? Show me cat pictures? Tell me a good pun? All are encouraged.

Let’s get started..

~Jennifer

 

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